Thankful

December 1, 2010

Even though I’m not in America, and I think Thanksgiving is the most hypocritical of all American holidays (“Hey, thanks for keeping us from starving, here’s some smallpox blankets to keep you warm”), my mother has instilled within me a healthy respect for Thanksgiving as a time to reflect on things you’re grateful for and feel connected with family and friends.  I celebrated a week early with my other American friend, her husband, my partner, and various others, so I don’t know whether or not it’s the reason behind this, but I was feeling particularly grateful and thankful for my life on Monday on the way back from Mullumbimby.

The Rhythm Hunters performed at the Mullum Music Festival over the weekend, with four separate shows and a workshop.  Most of our shows went pretty well, but the highlight for me was definitely getting to perform with Greg Sheehan in the Global Rhythm Nation improvised rhythm extravaganza… I was on stage with Greg, Nano Stern, Harry Angus (from Cat Empire), and so many other fantastic musicians.  I think this needs to be said:  I’ve only been drumming for a year an a half now.  That’s enough to separate me from any old person on the street, and I’ve got simple enough rhythms in the Rhythm Hunters that I don’t make a complete ass of myself onstage, but I’m nowhere near drumgoddess status yet.   However, I was welcome onstage, and I even soloed a funky little hip hop beat on an Indonesian instrument (called a Gangsa, it’s a bit like a xylophone with different tuning) for the last song that we all performed.  The whole performance was a REALLY BIG DEAL to me.  I also got to see some truly fabulous performances by Loren Kate, Mama Kin, Juzzie Smith, Kaki King, Nano Stern, Flap!, and Oka… I got to invite them all back to the Hut to perform at some point, and the ability to be able to go up to an artist that you appreciate and invite them to your venue feels pretty invigorating.

On the 9 hour drive home on Monday, I was looking at the sky as the sun set, and it just hit me:  My life is awesome, and I am so grateful for every second of it these days.  I always felt so average in high school.  I went to a rich prep school where kids got BMW’s for their 16th birthdays, a girl wore $900 shoes to our senior prom (i skipped it, since I had no date and didn’t feel like paying $240 to go be miserable at the Waldorf Astoria), and most people went on to ivy league educations and are now getting some extension to their name in masters and doctorate programs and will be fabulously wealthy and have 2.5 kids and start the cycle over again.  I transferred to that school in 9th grade from a public school with security guards and metal detectors, and I think I was the popular new girl for 2 weeks or so, until I did something and got relegated to outsider status.  I was the art & theater geeky girl for the rest of my time there, and had a couple of friends who I cared a lot about, but I felt like no one ever saw me, much less understood me.  I wasn’t the best artist, and I wasn’t the best actress, and I wasn’t the best student, and I DEFINITELY wasn’t the best athlete (I showed up to my first field hockey practice in capris and sandals), and so I thought I was just average.  The boys I had crushes on liked other people.  I didn’t get invited to all the parties (although I was straight edge and didn’t smoke or drink, so I probably would have felt pretty out of my element if I had gone to most of them).  As I said, I skipped my senior prom.  There were girls that wore a different pastel Abercrombie shirt every day of the week, and you were expected to own at least one necklace from Tiffany’s… It wasn’t quite Mean Girls or Gossip Girl, but it wasn’t as far off as any parent would hope.  There were coke addictions, alcoholics, and general debauchery, and I just never felt like I belonged there.  The biggest problem that I noticed was that with all the money in the world, most kids had no idea what made them passionate, they just knew what they were supposed to grow up to be.  A few are now millionaires in their own right, or on that path through their career choice.  A few are even happy, and love their jobs, their friends, and their lives.  Anyways, my point, before I veered off into Tangent Land, was that I was a completely average kid and wanted really badly to be somebody special and never felt like it would happen.   And then somehow, I realized while driving home, when I wasn’t paying attention to trying to be someone interesting and special, it happened.  That’s how it works, right?  You become the person you want to be when you’re not trying so hard to be that person.  It’s another small step of self realization, I guess, and learning to respect myself for who I am.   I have always felt like other people’s opinions of me mattered to me far more than my own opinions of myself mattered… I would agonize over other peoples’ comments, and try so hard to get everyone to like me.  I would tell myself that I needed to not care so much, but worrying about whether I was worrying about what someone was saying would just make it worse…

So this is what self esteem feels like!  I’m so very thankful for it, and for all the choices I’ve made to lead me to where I am, and for the people I’ve surrounded myself with and the music I’m creating.

Your moment of Zen today is a song by Gotye:

Gotye- Eyes Wide Open from Gotye on Vimeo.

Much Love!

Written by jennatros Posted in Uncategorized Tagged with adventure, Australia, beauty, bliss, cool people, happy, kaki king, letting yourself go, live, mama kin, mullum, music, performance, philosophy, rhythm, Rhythm Hut, thanks, thanksgiving, the rhythm hunters, trying new things